writing

4am Anxiety

matthew-kane-162961

 

It’s hard to put into words what it feels like when I can’t get my mind to just quiet down. To pace around our apartment at 3am like the ghost of Christmas past.

I move from the bed, to the desk chair, to the couch, and back to the bed. On heavy rotation, and more like a broken record I can’t seem to throw away. I close my eyes and the visions behind them play over and over like a silent film. Visions of things I have done or said long ago or things I have yet to do or say.

My eyes fly open and I decide I need some water. I drink and think that maybe it’s better if I just stay awake. If I am awake I am prepared for whatever the world has to throw at me. Asleep I’m vulnerable.

Then come the tears. I cry for no reason at all and sometimes for a million reasons all at the same time. It’s exhausting and exhilarating, it’s depressing and motivating. It’s something different every time.

My body is tired of course. My brain is well aware that I need sleep, but it’s too aware of everything else that I struggle with on a daily basis. I could list things that bother me. Things that trigger me to panic but some days that list will be empty and I will still feel it all building up deep within my bones. It’s a messed up spidey sense I never asked for.

I over think and underestimate just how much I can do. Some days I do nothing. I sleep and think and then sleep some more because it’s the only way I can keep the thoughts silenced.

I can conquer the world one day and barely lift a finger the next.

People don’t understand and people judge what they don’t understand.

Anxiety is not just a little feeling in the pit of your stomach. Depression is not just feeling sad.

It’s all consuming and tremendously frustrating. Your mind is a tangled mess and you spend all day trying to untangle it and you spend all night trying to think of why the tangles happen in the first place.

I write this as the clock strikes 4:00am and I can’t sleep because I wonder will the new day bring me more to worry about or will I be able to function properly?

And that generally sums up these feelings. I worry about worrying and it’s never ending.

But never say never.

writing

Unwelcome Feelings

Anxiety

I don’t jump into my personal life on here too much and I am not really going to change that aspect, but I am going to give you a glimpse into what feelings have come over me within the past month (more or less). This is MY place to come and write whatever I want to write. If I were to sum it up, I would say that I amΒ exhausted. And yes I am well aware that I am not the only person on this earth who feels tired. I know that plenty of people are going through worse, but at this very moment, I can only talk about my feelings and my story. As much awareness as I have of the struggles other people are facing, I cannot be their voice and tell their stories properly. I can only tell my story, and so let us begin.

Since the beginning of June I have been ill. If you are a reader of this blog then you are well aware of my problems with anxiety and depression. THIS though was a physical illness. I had a horrible ear infection that turned into an even worse throat infection, that just spiraled out of control. 3 doctors visits and a specialist later and I am told that my sinus on the left side is being a bitch( in medical terms of course) and that I have bronchitis. He prescribes me an inhaler; if only all those asshole middle schoolers could see me now! Anyway, luckily after a month of feeling sick and tired, I am getting better. My anxiety is high and all, but I am pushing through.

But this past week, I have come face to face with some feelings that I have not felt in a while. I encountered a xenophobe and I feel that because of the fact that I am white, it’s why it took so long for someone to get offended by my presence here in Germany, and yet someone did. But yesterday something BIGGER occurred, and I don’t feel like rehashing the details, but it made me realize that the entire time I have been here some people close to me and my boyfriend have been faking their open arm attitude towards me. While I observed a couple of instances of this, I tried to push them down, but yesterday sadly they became quite clear to me. They hadΒ their walls, fences, and masks up this entire time.

fence

So where does one go from here? Well I feel a sense of sadness, and I know I am not the only one. The thing is, I have this really strong support system around me. My boyfriend, My best friend Anna, and MY FAMILY are holding me up. That is all I need. I would like an apology, but if that never comes then let me explain something about who I am. I have been through some rough moments in my life, and you disliking me for the simple fact that I am not German doesn’t even rank high on my list of “shitty moments”. You want to be a horrible person, by all means be one, but you won’t be one towards me. You walk around like you have the smell of shit constantly wafting into your nose when I am around, and I am over it. I have never in my life allowed people to walk all over me, and I won’t start now. I have enough to worry about, without also having to worry about assholes. so on that note…

shoveit