Metal

One More Light – RIP Chester Bennington

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It’s a strange feeling to hear that another musician has taken his own life. Stranger still because for my generation Linkin Park helped so many of us through so many rough patches in our own lives. Hearing about Chester Bennington’s death struck me quite hard. As a teen, the words he sang helped me so much. I was a quiet and awkward teenager. I didn’t quite stand out or fit in. I had my small group of trustworthy friends, but always felt like I was battling myself mentally to stay afloat. His voice and his words made me feel less alone, and isn’t that what we are all looking for?

“Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within”

As a teen these and so many other words comforted me. I don’t find it poetic that the musicians that seem to make us feel better, have a lot of demons within. The darkness in the words has to come from somewhere. It’s sad to think that while his band and his voice brought forth a light for all of us, that the same light couldn’t seem to find a place to shine within himself.

“I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware.
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.”

I know the struggles with depression and anxiety well. Linkin Park and many other bands entered my life when I was beginning to show these signs. I don’t know what I would have done without them. I know these different bands not only helped me through, but they toughened me up. Granted many lyrics may seem dark, but they mirror so many feelings within. When you hear it, and sing along to it, you lose some of what’s weighing down your soul. I know I am not alone in this.

Sadly I haven’t been able to listen to Linkin Park since yesterday, and I haven’t been able to listen to anything by Chris Cornell since he passed away either. It’s hard. Those voices are silenced forever, and we all know they had so much left to give.

I know many people who are broken because of Chester taking his own life, and losing that battle he helped us fight, but we must stand strong and help one another. Use his music to keep moving. Life is precious and while it seems hard some days, we have to keep going. If you are having a hard time, please talk to someone. I know my readers are from all over the world so please find your country’s suicide hotline here: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

You matter, you are loved, and you have so much to live for. We all hope that Chester found peace. He may have lost his battle, but you don’t have to. Talk to someone. Save yourself.

This was hard to write, and even harder to write down the correct words. I hope you can understand where I am coming from. I won’t go on the subject of people calling him coward or making jokes, because those people are scum, and don’t need any more attention.

RIP Chester Bennington.

 

Coffee & Rant

Life & Blog Update

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Hellooooooo my precious geeks!

I know it’s been awhile since I have updated this blog and I have reasons so let’s jump right into those.

LIFE:  In February I was working an internship for a mobile games company that shall remain nameless. They screwed me over a couple of times mainly the fact that I went in for a full time contract( interview process was all about full time ) but they only offered me an internship in the end paying me peanuts for 40 hours per week. (they did this to a few people) I ignored my gut instinct and took it anyway. In a way I am glad I did because I met some lovely people, and 3 out of the 5 co founders were professional and cool. Then they told me my work was great but that I was too straightforward. Yet they let my coworker go because she was too shy and quiet.

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Needless to say it aggravated me. Aggravation tends to push my anxiety sky high. I am glad that is over but felt the need to put it here because it needed to be said. The aggravation they made me feel exhausted my brain completely. I barely read any books during that time. It’s a company that I feel has a lot of potential, but only if they start to learn from their mistakes.

To the present:  I found such a wonderful company to work for. Not only have they been kind and understanding, they are not afraid to take criticism. I feel for companies to move forward, you need to listen to your employees, and have them listen to you. Mutual respect and Real genuine communication is what will allow everyone to succeed. I enjoy the work I am doing, and am looking forward to helping them move forward. My gut instinct says this is a good lot of people. I have been reading more, and I genuinely feel happy.

Writing: I changed some aspects of the novel I am writing so it’s been consuming quite a bit of my time. If you think writing a book is hard, wait till you have to edit it.

This Blog: For a while now, I have been a little unhappy with the way I do things here. I also feel I have outgrown the process of using WordPress.com and will be moving it over to .ORG. I want more control over my blog in many aspects that this WordPress doesn’t quite allow. It’s a good starting point for anyone who’s new to blogging, but I am confident now that I can move it. SO this means for the next couple of weeks you may once again not see much happening here. My apologies in advance, but my idea is to better this for myself and for everyone! So don’t go anywhere and please stay tuned!

NOTE: to those of you who are waiting for me to review your books, those reviews are coming, I PROMISE!!

See you soon GEEKS!!

 

Geek Stuff, life, Uncategorized

Goals for 2017

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Most people have been busy making new years resolutions, but this isn’t about that. There are things I have been working on in the past few months that I want to continue. There are things I want to better and things I just want to move past. I think as humans we can choose to make a change at any point during the year, but there’s something about a new year that feels like life is handing us a clean slate.

Reading Goals

In 2016 I read a total of 102 books. It’s a nice number. My goal was to read 100 and I surpassed it by 2. It’s fine for me. This year I have a similar goal, and while I marked my goodreads reading challenge at 100 books once again, I am aiming towards 80-100. I keep the goodreads goal because it keeps track of other statistics, not because I want to read more than someone else. Reading has always been a passion for me, and I am not here to compete with anyone. Also I want to read different genres than what I typically read–my main love is fantasy novels. I also want to read more diversely. Two of my favorite books of 2016 The Hate U Give and American Street(which will release next month) are diverse and wonderful reads, so I want to continue on that path. I also want to read more history and nonfiction novels this year.

Writing Goals

I am still revising and adding to my first manuscript. I am okay with that. I don’t want to write crap into my second draft just to say I am writing. I am constantly making notes of what I want to add, and this year I want to officially finish it, and begin to seriously shop it around. I also have a short story contest I am entering, and I am prepared to do some wonderful research for my second book. Writing for me is a long term goal, something I want to spend my life doing, and as such I want to put in a lot more hours into it. I want my stories out there, not for fame, but because I think there are plenty of others who may actually connect with them.

Life Goals

There is a lesson I have learned through the years that not everyone is going to like you. You can be as sweet as a summer’s peach and someone will still try to find some kind of flaw within you. As such, I will continue to speak my mind whether people find it endearing or find that I am a massive bitch makes no difference to me. I was raised to speak up when I find that something is wrong, and how people take it and react to it says more about them than it does about me. I don’t need to be loved by all. I know very well who matters in my life.

2016 marked the year I broke down and got the real help I needed for my mental health. It has been making a world of difference in my life, and I will continue on this journey to bettering myself. Mental Illness is not a joke, a punch line, or something to be ashamed about. If you are struggling, take care of yourself properly. As frustrating as it may seem at times, good mental health requires medication many times, and THAT IS OKAY! It also requires a push from within, and sometimes that’s the hardest part to find. Just do it for yourself, and you will see a world of difference.

Work wise, I want to find a place that respects me and gives me a real chance to prove myself. The most frustrating thing in the world is knowing you can work well at something and not being given a chance to show it. I have plans…and I will see them through this year.

I hope 2017 brings all of you love, health, and some hope. I feel like we all need a little dose of hope after 2016. Put family and friends first. One day you will regret it if you push everyone aside. Life is short and should be spent giving love an comfort, Not Hate.

Hugs and Peace for all.

life

The Hardest Mountain I Will Ever Climb

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I cannot speak for anyone else. This is my story, and as such it will probably be difficult for others to understand. I decided to write this because all day I have felt really excruciatingly tired. About half an hour ago, I felt the back of my neck feel like it was underneath an open flame, I started to sweat profusely and suddenly I felt like my chest was caving in like this is it, this is certainly the time I go. I know what’s happening with the subtle signals my body begins to give me, but it has never made it any easier. I had another panic attack. In fact I am still coming down from it, my eyes still slightly blurry from the sobbing that ensues. First and foremost, I am not writing this for pity. I just needed to write it down. I follow Jenny Lawson and her two books have inspired me to share an aspect of myself that most people are aware of but that they probably don’t quite understand.

I sometimes still feel that when I have panic attacks in front of strangers that they are thinking “Oh god look at this drama queen!” I gotta say that I have even gotten it from people I know, so I can’t exactly expect strangers to understand. I honestly wish I was that good at acting. Sobbing on cue seems like something that could get me an oscar. Unfortunately, I cannot control it.

How do I explain it to you? Well for one, it feels like my mind is a giant mess of wires. You know you probably have a box somewhere with a bunch of different kinds of wires that have different purposes, but they are currently tangled together into a giant useless blob. Well, my anxiety/depression issues are me spending entire days trying to untangle those wires. I could be laying around looking extremely lazy, but the reality in my head is much much different. There I am, day in and day out trying to untangle the wires, and when the end of the day comes along, I feel exhausted. For an outsider it looks like I have done nothing at all, but now you know what it looks like. It is a frustrating situation.

The thing is, I don’t want to stop. The only time it really affected my work, was when I was given Vicodin for pain and it sent my brain chemistry into a frenzy. I was away from work for a week, and I think that might have been my worst moment. Currently, I am dealing with some serious anxiety. I feel okay, and then I don’t, and when I don’t that is when I have a hard time focusing on anything other than those damn wires. I think what helps me is that I genuinely love my job, I also know that I have understanding coworkers. School is getting tougher, but that is to be expected, and I am pushing through, and getting pretty good grades. I think of those things, and there’s always this slight moment of clarity as I panic, where I KNOW I am going to be okay. I just wish that would compute for more than a split second. I think what I really need is to be honest with myself, and get new meds. When someone has a physical ailment no one even blinks when they take medication. So I think I need to be good to myself and just go and figure out what’s best for me.

I decided to share this because like Jenny Lawson, I have decided to be Furiously Happy. Even through this struggle, I tell myself every single day “You are, and will continue to be Furiously Happy” yes, panic attacks are scary, but I am stronger every time I go through it.If you’re reading this and are having a rough time as well, just know there is no shame in asking for help. Go to a professional, and really get the help you need and deserve. Be furiously happy, because we are all climbing this mountain together.

life

The Dirty Thirty

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It’s March!!! And you know what that means?

No I guess you don’t. You’re probably thinking about Easter bunnies, and how to handle that hangover around your family on Easter Sunday. Good Luck with that by the way. Ah, but for me, March means my Birthday is coming. Typically I don’t make a big deal about this, but it is 2016…and I dear friends was born in 1986. Which makes me OLD. HAHA no that will simply make me 30 years old which a lot of my friends who are entering the same age seem to feel is a death sentence. I don’t know if there’s some kind of switch somewhere when you turn 30 that will automatically turn a person into a really lame and boring adult, but I think people are freaking out for no damn good reason. I for one am pretty damn sure that turning 30 doesn’t mean my entire life turns to dust. I am grateful that I am able to get older and older. I know a few people who didn’t make it this far, and I am sure their friends and family wish they had.

I am officially calling it the dirty thirty. I actually wonder how many Porn searching pervs are going to end up here because of this. Sorry sir, the <——porn is that way ——>

I know a few people who are going to tell me that I should have my bachelors degree by now, that I should be married, and HEY where are the babies? To get those out of the way now, I work at my own pace, I never knew what I wanted to do, and Life threw me some curve balls, mind your business. Marriage? Well it’s on the cards eventually, but what do you care? You won’t be invited. Babies? Take a giant leap out of my vagina! Please and thank you.

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I turn 30 on March 23rd in case you want to sing to me. You know what the beauty of being an adult is? No one can tell you SHIT about your life. You do what you want when you want. You want to walk around your place naked? DO IT! You want to eat that giant piece of birthday cake? DO IT! You want to eat that giant piece of cake while walking around naked? DO IT! Who’s going to stop you? No one, except if you walk out of the house, then the cops might.

The Dirty Thirty

When I got the idea to write this, I searched online and all I could find were things like “30 things to do before you’re 30” All of which seem really difficult to achieve in the next 22 days. or the really depressing “30 things you will regret not doing before you turn 30” Bitch you don’t know my life! So I decided on, 30 things I will try to do while in my 30’s, the dirty thirty!!

  1. Learn how to play the bass guitar
  2. Get one of my books published
  3. Stop Worrying about absolutely everything
  4. Take up Kick Boxing
  5. Visit London. SO MUCH HARRY POTTER…SO MUCH.
  6. Stop Burning myself out just to make other people happy
  7. Keep Growing my Library
  8. Find a workout that I don’t despise with every fiber in my body.
  9. Visit Barcelona
  10. Wear whatever I want. Yes that means my Super hero and Harry Potter shirts are going NOWHERE.
  11. Better my German speaking skills. Yea I understand you, but this language is a mother fucker for me, and I still have a hard time with conversations. Though I really don’t give two shits what people seem to think about that. “You’re not fluent yet?” no but you’re still an asshole.
  12. Learn coding…Because I want to.
  13. Learn How to play the drums.
  14. Visit Sweden again.
  15. Go to Wacken again.
  16. Write more
  17. Read more
  18. Visit Venice Again
  19. Get my Driver’s License here in Germany, cuz I wasn’t allowed to exchange my NJ driver’s license. While it is not necessary, I loved driving, and I miss it.
  20. Buy a house.
  21. Get a couple more Tattoos.
  22. Dye my hair a funky color. I haven’t dyed my hair for about 5 or 6 years.
  23. Find a better skin routine. I continue to break out, and need to find what really works for me.
  24. Possibly have a kid, NEVER complain about them on Facebook. Because honestly I DON’T GIVE A SHIT how tired your child makes you, you look like a fucking asshole when all you do is complain about them online.
  25. Learn Italian … also just because.
  26. Take more pictures. I have two really great cameras and I barely used them last year. That makes me sad, because I used to really love photography, and while I still do, I put it on the back burner.
  27. Put my phone away more often. I find that my phone is in my hand a lot more than I care to admit. I want to change that.
  28. Take hikes and enjoy it.
  29. See more of Germany. I have seen bits and pieces, but I would like to travel around and see more cities.
  30. Get my Bachelors move onto my Masters…LIKE A MOTHER FUCKING BOSS.

Those are the dirty thirty. Things I will aim to achieve throughout my thirties. Things maybe you achieved in your 20’s but if you think that makes you better than me, you are wrong. The truth is, there’s no time limit to reach your goals. I will fight every day to achieve my goals and dreams, because that’s just how I am.

So here’s to getting older, and growing bolder!! Age is only a number, and you shouldn’t get freaked out by it. Look at all the things you have done till this point, and look what the future holds. Don’t let ANYONE make you feel shitty about your life. I am saying this to you as much as I am saying it to myself. Life is meant to be lived, don’t let it just coast by because you think “I’m too old for that shit.” You aren’t.

March 23rd, I am coming for you!!

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Uncategorized

I’ve Been Trumped-A story of Failed Friendship

Oh Donald Trump. The scum of the earth, somehow getting quite close to being the republican candidate, let’s face the horrific truth, he will be. Now many of you might be thinking why do I care, I no longer live in the USA, well I still have friends there, I have family there. I care about them. I want the best for them, and Trump isn’t even qualified to run his own life, you’re supposed to trust him with an entire country?

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I was waiting for this to happen, and last night it finally did. I lost a friend over her coming clean about her support for Trump. When she said it, I wasn’t shocked, but I had been hoping she was better than that. I was wrong, and I stopped and thought, can I continue this friendship, knowing what you support? Can I convince you of just how awful he is, and how he’s going to tear your country apart?

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Maybe you will think my reaction to this is a little dramatic. Typically I don’t go around posting about my personal life or friendships, but this felt important. I don’t talk religion or politics with friends. I have taken this stance on more than one occasion because we all think differently, we all have different opinions. With this particular friend, I have spent over two years now trying to ignore some of the shit she supports, making excuses for her left and right to other people, Hoping that the person I was so close with for over a decade hadn’t transformed into someone who I could never see myself being friends with. I tried to pretend that she was still the funny and loyal friend I met at the age of 15. I tried really hard.

Around Christmas 2014, I visited NJ. We hung out one night, and around this time there was a lot happening because once again a cop shot and killed a young unarmed black man. There was still a lot of unrest in Ferguson, and there was a very obvious racial tension. She did not see it as a race issue, and this has stuck with me because it just seemed obvious to anyone who knows the history of the United States, that these and many other confrontations with police are because of racial tensions, and issues. She said it, and I felt myself getting angry in her car, and even then I kept my cool. I knew why she thought this because she was trying really hard to become a cop. She stood by the white cop blindly, and without hesitation. I left her car feeling something strange within my gut.

I should have listened to that gut feeling. You tried to get me to be a reference for you to enter the police academy, or whatever it was, and I refused. I wanted no part in that. That was the beginning of the end. I have tried, or maybe I have been hoping that you would wake up. I was hoping that I would get my friend back. I kept trying to keep things normal. Then there was the idea that you really wanted to visit me, and that is when I realized something, I wasn’t excited. I self sabotaged this friendship. I downright said to you “Please tell me you do not support Trump, do you?” and the reply was simply “Yes ma’am.” I made a very simple and clear reply that I could not wrap my head around it at all, and blocked you. I blocked you EVERYWHERE. I cleansed my life of tip toeing around you because I knew just a couple of words and I would set you off. I know you will go around calling me fake, but I was trying to be an adult. I kept things as civil as humanly possible because you have been a part of my life for 15 years. I thought I would be sad watching our friendship get trumped, but I felt relief.

I no longer have to pretend that you’re not a giant racist. You openly support someone who spews hate. He hates immigrants. You know I was an immigrant right? Had someone tried to do what he wants to do, you would have never met me. That’s not the real tragedy here though. I know you’re intelligent. You have done so well in school. You have the capacity to think clearly, but for some reason you don’t. You are feeding into the disgusting things he says he will do. You think he cares about you? He cares about his ego and his rich friends. You are a pawn in this game, and in the end you are going to lose. You have spoken out about the atrocities that happened in Germany in World War II, do you realize that Trump’s hate speech is quite similar to how Hitler got into power? Using fear and ignorance to fuel his win?

There’s just so much I wish you would see, and maybe I should have simply said shit straight to you, but our “friendship” had become strained for more than two years of me ignoring your racist views, and last night I finally just said “enough”. I wish you well, and I hope one day you will come to see things differently. The color of your skin does not make you better than anyone. You come from a very multicultural town, you yourself are not purely of polish descent, so I will NEVER understand how you became this person. This person that I did not feel good about being friends with anymore.

Friends grow apart every day. This is me signing off of this friendship. I hope you grow, I hope you come to see the world in a different light.

Peace & Love

 

life

The Art of Missing Out

I originally wrote this back in November while in Portugal. I decided it needed to be placed up here on my main blog. Check it out. 

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me in Portugal

I have spent most of my life outside of the land I was born in. At first not by choice and then it was a decision I made.

Sitting here at 2:00am back in Portugal. I felt the need to write something that maybe no one understands. I left when I was four, but I think I forgot my soul here. Children are forgetful, and I left a piece of myself here.

I lived in New Jersey most of my life. It was never home to me. People always laugh when I say that because when I speak English I sound American. When I Speak Portuguese I sound American. When I speak German, yes I sound American. But I am not. I never became a citizen. It was not home. Sure I made wonderful friends. I wouldn’t change a thing about that, but I’ve felt lost for a lot longer than I realized and I’ve missed out on a life I will never know because it was never meant for me to meet.

I’ve missed out on a lot of things. I have watched young cousins grow up in splashes of time. Older relatives faces tell stories that I was never a part of. Does this make me sad? Well I think there’s a bit of sadness there sure. I would trade some aspects of my past to be able to have more memories with a lot of people. Then I look at how my life has worked out and how I’m currently sitting here again, and while I call Germany home, because it is my home, my soul may always live here in Portugal.

It’s an art really, to come back and each time feel like I’m meeting some people for the first time every time. But they’re so deeply embedded into my heart either way. Now as I watch my nephew beginning to grow here into someone who I am so proud of, my little niece who smiles more than any baby I’ve ever seen, I think about all the things I will be missing out on and how that breaks my heart.

Then I think about how much closer they are now, how much closer I am to the place where my soul lives. And there’s a joy there. One I am looking forward to exploring. It’s an art. The Art of Missing out.