Honesty From the Rooftops

The ones who scream from the rooftops about how honest they are should be watched at all times.

Listened to but never trusted.

Lies come easy to them. Even about the simple act of honesty.

If every other social media post is “people don’t like me because I’m honest” then there’s something wrong there.

Here’s a dose of honesty: people don’t like you because you’re an asshole and you’re an asshole because you lie through your teeth and treat people like shit.

It’s interesting because people have complained to me in the past that I shouldn’t write about them. That I shouldn’t write about them in a negative light.

But that’s the only light you show me, and that light is dim.

Like a flickering light in a damp basement, you’re afraid to go into as a child.

I am not perfect. I am angry to the point where I react without thinking. I say fuck a lot but who’s to say that’s a bad thing?

I am overly emotional and can overreact. I sometimes feel like I pour too much of my problems on my friends. I can be selfish but again is it bad? Sometimes it’s necessary.

We all have flaws.

Yet the ones who should take some time to reflect, seem to spend their time tearing people down. They love the sound of their own voice or in this case, the sound of their fingers becoming littler personal keyboard warriors to post passive-aggressive shit on a 24/7 basis.

I for one am tired.

Tired of feeling like an afterthought, someone’s personal bank account, someone’s punching bag, someone’s doormat.

I have spent YEARS of my life living in other people’s problems. Being dragged down with them because there’s no one else to hold onto but me.

We all fuck up.

We all make mistakes in life.

But if life is so short, why have you spent most of it being a dishonest fool?

Posting pseudo sympathetic messages on Facebook doesn’t make you a good person.

A good person reflects and grows. Makes changes when things don’t seem to be working.

You do the same things over and over. I know when you spend a long stretch of time not posting on social media, you’re about to come in with a shitstorm.

I know if it’s past 10pm and you’re starting to pick on people online, you are looking for a confrontation, because how else will you get rid of all the pent of frustration?

BUT I AM NOT IT.

I am not the trash can for your garbage anymore.

You have been babied and coddled your entire life to the point where you seem to have forgotten how to function.

So you lash out and talk about how much of an honest man you are.

If you’re an honest man then I am a millionaire.

But we are neither of those things.

 

**People have made assumptions about past writings that I am talking about my fiance, so to clarify: I AM NOT.**

The Hardest Mountain I Will Ever Climb

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I cannot speak for anyone else. This is my story, and as such it will probably be difficult for others to understand. I decided to write this because all day I have felt really excruciatingly tired. About half an hour ago, I felt the back of my neck feel like it was underneath an open flame, I started to sweat profusely and suddenly I felt like my chest was caving in like this is it, this is certainly the time I go. I know what’s happening with the subtle signals my body begins to give me, but it has never made it any easier. I had another panic attack. In fact I am still coming down from it, my eyes still slightly blurry from the sobbing that ensues. First and foremost, I am not writing this for pity. I just needed to write it down. I follow Jenny Lawson and her two books have inspired me to share an aspect of myself that most people are aware of but that they probably don’t quite understand.

I sometimes still feel that when I have panic attacks in front of strangers that they are thinking “Oh god look at this drama queen!” I gotta say that I have even gotten it from people I know, so I can’t exactly expect strangers to understand. I honestly wish I was that good at acting. Sobbing on cue seems like something that could get me an oscar. Unfortunately, I cannot control it.

How do I explain it to you? Well for one, it feels like my mind is a giant mess of wires. You know you probably have a box somewhere with a bunch of different kinds of wires that have different purposes, but they are currently tangled together into a giant useless blob. Well, my anxiety/depression issues are me spending entire days trying to untangle those wires. I could be laying around looking extremely lazy, but the reality in my head is much much different. There I am, day in and day out trying to untangle the wires, and when the end of the day comes along, I feel exhausted. For an outsider it looks like I have done nothing at all, but now you know what it looks like. It is a frustrating situation.

The thing is, I don’t want to stop. The only time it really affected my work, was when I was given Vicodin for pain and it sent my brain chemistry into a frenzy. I was away from work for a week, and I think that might have been my worst moment. Currently, I am dealing with some serious anxiety. I feel okay, and then I don’t, and when I don’t that is when I have a hard time focusing on anything other than those damn wires. I think what helps me is that I genuinely love my job, I also know that I have understanding coworkers. School is getting tougher, but that is to be expected, and I am pushing through, and getting pretty good grades. I think of those things, and there’s always this slight moment of clarity as I panic, where I KNOW I am going to be okay. I just wish that would compute for more than a split second. I think what I really need is to be honest with myself, and get new meds. When someone has a physical ailment no one even blinks when they take medication. So I think I need to be good to myself and just go and figure out what’s best for me.

I decided to share this because like Jenny Lawson, I have decided to be Furiously Happy. Even through this struggle, I tell myself every single day “You are, and will continue to be Furiously Happy” yes, panic attacks are scary, but I am stronger every time I go through it.If you’re reading this and are having a rough time as well, just know there is no shame in asking for help. Go to a professional, and really get the help you need and deserve. Be furiously happy, because we are all climbing this mountain together.