Say When

Ever have someone pour you a drink and tell you to say when? This indicates they’ve poured enough and stops the cup from overflowing.

I find myself wanting to scream “WHEN!!!” at the top of my lungs.

I was always an anxious kid. I was the teen that felt guilty all the time. The young adult that felt trapped. The adult who can’t get herself under control. Always that voice telling me I’ve done everything wrong. That voice that one minute sounds sweet and the next is telling me I’m never going to amount to anything.

A hug and a kiss goodbye and then a message telling me I’m terrible and my future husband will leave me.

Things have changed so much in my life but there’s been a constant. That voice who was thousands of miles away that said they missed me but in the same breath told me I’m getting fat.

That voice that cried wolf if things weren’t going their way. That person who’d try to manipulate me into feeling sorry for them, to apologize to them for things I didn’t even do. Who’d let someone call me a whore. Who would call my phone 20, 30, 40 times just to yell at me cuz I was 23 and it’s past midnight why wasn’t I home. Then I’d be home for a few days in a row and why wasn’t I getting any fresh air?

They bring out the worst in me. They make me angry. I feel things towards them I should not be feeling but that can’t be helped. Because for 33 years I’ve been dragged about and told to straighten my hair because I look like a witch with my hair curly. I was too skinny once then too fat. I lost weight but not enough. They’re so proud of what I’ve achieved but I’m too lazy.

I want to scream “WHEN!!!!!”

But it’s too late. My anger is overflowing.

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