Many people know this about me, but some may not. For a long time I wanted to be a writer. I have always been an avid reader, devouring book after book to keep my imagination running, and kept thinking to myself “I can do this too.” I wrote in journals and I have a huge folder filled with angsty poetry from my teen years.(That should be locked in a vault somewhere to be honest) It wasn’t until last year that I started writing my first book.
What many people don’t tell you about heading down this path, is the ridiculous amount of self doubt and insecurities you will begin to feel. On top of that there are going to be other people who will doubt you and be complete assholes about it. When you tell someone “Yes, I am writing a book.” Not many people will take you seriously. I can see it in people’s eyes where they say in that fake ass sing song voice “That’s nice.”
Well I decided that this was something I wanted to do, and so I did. I had notes everywhere, and one evening I just sat down and started typing. It was so freeing to finally get those ideas, characters, and words down. Entire scenes popped up in my head at all hours of the day, I was so excited to be writing this story. It took me a few months to get 50,000 words down. May not sound like a lot for most writers, but for me it felt great. Suddenly though I was hit with an overwhelming amount of self doubt. It was crippling. My head was filled with thoughts like “What if NO ONE reads this?!”, “What if this is shit?!”, and “What if people hate it?!”
My mind became so wrapped up in those thoughts that at some point, I left my book hanging. It was like this fat ghost just hanging over my head throwing things and trying to get my attention. Then I realized that I spent so much time thinking those horribly negative thoughts that I didn’t stop to think “Well what if people think it’s funny?” or “What if people love it?”
The truth is not everyone is going to love what you do. Even the most popular writers have random strangers on the internet telling them they’re shit. That is why I am here to tell you that it really doesn’t matter what they think. If writing makes you happy, then do it. I took that message from Jenna Moreci.
So I am reworking some scenes, and actually rewrote the entire first chapter of my book. The excitement is back, and I moved my word count up to 56,000 words and I plan to bring it up even more. Mind you this isn’t the only story in my head. I am currently made up of so many fictional characters waiting for their chance to get placed down on a page, and I am looking forward to doing just that.
Remember, it’s okay to dream, and it’s okay to work hard to make those dreams a reality, no matter what people fucking think. THIS IS YOUR LIFE! Do what you love!!
I really hope to share my book with you one day. Till then you can read these two parts of a short story series I started and didn’t continue because of that asshole self doubt! I think I will try to continue this one again as well. GET SHIT DONE JOANA!!