writing

Unwelcome Feelings

Anxiety

I don’t jump into my personal life on here too much and I am not really going to change that aspect, but I am going to give you a glimpse into what feelings have come over me within the past month (more or less). This is MY place to come and write whatever I want to write. If I were to sum it up, I would say that I amΒ exhausted. And yes I am well aware that I am not the only person on this earth who feels tired. I know that plenty of people are going through worse, but at this very moment, I can only talk about my feelings and my story. As much awareness as I have of the struggles other people are facing, I cannot be their voice and tell their stories properly. I can only tell my story, and so let us begin.

Since the beginning of June I have been ill. If you are a reader of this blog then you are well aware of my problems with anxiety and depression. THIS though was a physical illness. I had a horrible ear infection that turned into an even worse throat infection, that just spiraled out of control. 3 doctors visits and a specialist later and I am told that my sinus on the left side is being a bitch( in medical terms of course) and that I have bronchitis. He prescribes me an inhaler; if only all those asshole middle schoolers could see me now! Anyway, luckily after a month of feeling sick and tired, I am getting better. My anxiety is high and all, but I am pushing through.

But this past week, I have come face to face with some feelings that I have not felt in a while. I encountered a xenophobe and I feel that because of the fact that I am white, it’s why it took so long for someone to get offended by my presence here in Germany, and yet someone did. But yesterday something BIGGER occurred, and I don’t feel like rehashing the details, but it made me realize that the entire time I have been here some people close to me and my boyfriend have been faking their open arm attitude towards me. While I observed a couple of instances of this, I tried to push them down, but yesterday sadly they became quite clear to me. They hadΒ their walls, fences, and masks up this entire time.

fence

So where does one go from here? Well I feel a sense of sadness, and I know I am not the only one. The thing is, I have this really strong support system around me. My boyfriend, My best friend Anna, and MY FAMILY are holding me up. That is all I need. I would like an apology, but if that never comes then let me explain something about who I am. I have been through some rough moments in my life, and you disliking me for the simple fact that I am not German doesn’t even rank high on my list of “shitty moments”. You want to be a horrible person, by all means be one, but you won’t be one towards me. You walk around like you have the smell of shit constantly wafting into your nose when I am around, and I am over it. I have never in my life allowed people to walk all over me, and I won’t start now. I have enough to worry about, without also having to worry about assholes. so on that note…

shoveit

 

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