Honesty From the Rooftops

The ones who scream from the rooftops about how honest they are should be watched at all times.

Listened to but never trusted.

Lies come easy to them. Even about the simple act of honesty.

If every other social media post is “people don’t like me because I’m honest” then there’s something wrong there.

Here’s a dose of honesty: people don’t like you because you’re an asshole and you’re an asshole because you lie through your teeth and treat people like shit.

It’s interesting because people have complained to me in the past that I shouldn’t write about them. That I shouldn’t write about them in a negative light.

But that’s the only light you show me, and that light is dim.

Like a flickering light in a damp basement, you’re afraid to go into as a child.

I am not perfect. I am angry to the point where I react without thinking. I say fuck a lot but who’s to say that’s a bad thing?

I am overly emotional and can overreact. I sometimes feel like I pour too much of my problems on my friends. I can be selfish but again is it bad? Sometimes it’s necessary.

We all have flaws.

Yet the ones who should take some time to reflect, seem to spend their time tearing people down. They love the sound of their own voice or in this case, the sound of their fingers becoming littler personal keyboard warriors to post passive-aggressive shit on a 24/7 basis.

I for one am tired.

Tired of feeling like an afterthought, someone’s personal bank account, someone’s punching bag, someone’s doormat.

I have spent YEARS of my life living in other people’s problems. Being dragged down with them because there’s no one else to hold onto but me.

We all fuck up.

We all make mistakes in life.

But if life is so short, why have you spent most of it being a dishonest fool?

Posting pseudo sympathetic messages on Facebook doesn’t make you a good person.

A good person reflects and grows. Makes changes when things don’t seem to be working.

You do the same things over and over. I know when you spend a long stretch of time not posting on social media, you’re about to come in with a shitstorm.

I know if it’s past 10pm and you’re starting to pick on people online, you are looking for a confrontation, because how else will you get rid of all the pent of frustration?

BUT I AM NOT IT.

I am not the trash can for your garbage anymore.

You have been babied and coddled your entire life to the point where you seem to have forgotten how to function.

So you lash out and talk about how much of an honest man you are.

If you’re an honest man then I am a millionaire.

But we are neither of those things.

 

**People have made assumptions about past writings that I am talking about my fiance, so to clarify: I AM NOT.**

Say When

Ever have someone pour you a drink and tell you to say when? This indicates they’ve poured enough and stops the cup from overflowing.

I find myself wanting to scream “WHEN!!!” at the top of my lungs.

I was always an anxious kid. I was the teen that felt guilty all the time. The young adult that felt trapped. The adult who can’t get herself under control. Always that voice telling me I’ve done everything wrong. That voice that one minute sounds sweet and the next is telling me I’m never going to amount to anything.

A hug and a kiss goodbye and then a message telling me I’m terrible and my future husband will leave me.

Things have changed so much in my life but there’s been a constant. That voice who was thousands of miles away that said they missed me but in the same breath told me I’m getting fat.

That voice that cried wolf if things weren’t going their way. That person who’d try to manipulate me into feeling sorry for them, to apologize to them for things I didn’t even do. Who’d let someone call me a whore. Who would call my phone 20, 30, 40 times just to yell at me cuz I was 23 and it’s past midnight why wasn’t I home. Then I’d be home for a few days in a row and why wasn’t I getting any fresh air?

They bring out the worst in me. They make me angry. I feel things towards them I should not be feeling but that can’t be helped. Because for 33 years I’ve been dragged about and told to straighten my hair because I look like a witch with my hair curly. I was too skinny once then too fat. I lost weight but not enough. They’re so proud of what I’ve achieved but I’m too lazy.

I want to scream “WHEN!!!!!”

But it’s too late. My anger is overflowing.

Saudade in Lisboa

Sitting on a bus heading back home from one of the most amazing weekends I’ve had in a long time, My thoughts are swirling.

Not in a bad way but in a “this year is ending and we are soon entering a new time, another year” kind of way.

I spent time with one of my absolute best friends and I have never laughed and cried so much. I miss her daily because in the misery of living in Germany she helped me. She kept me afloat and laughing.

I also had the opportunity to see one of my favorite bands live, Alter Bridge. I sang so loud and jumped so much that I had to pop out my inhaler twice. Then after the show one of my friends introduced me to Mark Tremonti. A man who’s music came into my life in a time of loss and a lot of pain. It’s poetic then that in a year of loss and struggling, I finally met him. I kept it together, turned and cried on Melinda’s shoulder.

Then talking to my friend I got a bit emotional. This past year was difficult for me in many ways and because he’s a good friend of my fiancé and I consider him a dear friend as well he knows of my struggles and the emotions took over and I cried some more.

My fiancé has been on the road for weeks and I miss him dearly. I’m sitting on a bus already missing my friends. Already missing that energy of screaming my lungs out at a show.

But this weekend felt refreshing. It felt like I have so many people who genuinely care for me. Who’d hurt if I ever hurt myself. I have a fiancé who’d flip the world upside down if it meant I would be okay and happy.

I think the world can be ugly. I think my struggles can sometimes feel like the end of the line but my struggles don’t define me. My tears don’t define me.

My love for my family and friends, my strength that keeps me afloat, and the laughter out of my lungs define the person I am, the person I am fixing and becoming.

I miss so many people and I miss so many experiences that have passed but man am I excited for the ones yet to come.

20 Books That Are On My Goodreads TBR the Longest

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These are the 20 books that have been on my Goodreads TBR list the longest. I don’t think I need to give a run down on what each book is about since most of them are pretty popular. You might be wondering what the point of this post is then.

Well it is a way to hold myself accountable for the pile of books I physically own and haven’t read, and the habit of just adding things to my Goodreads shelves. Goodreads is a messy place to begin with– terrible design, user interface is fucking awful, and the consistent need I feel to add books to my want to read list is ridiculous.

I mean it is a great to keep track of my reading, but it also feels overwhelming to see the amount of books I haven’t read.

I picked these 20 because while there were others in-between some of these, they were ones I am no longer interested in, which means ONE day I will delete it off my Goodreads list, but today is NOT that day.

What I will be doing starting next month is putting the names of these books on a piece of paper, and throw them into a jar or most likely one of my many coffee mugs, and each month I will pick one out to read, two if I am feeling courageous.

ALL of these books sound interesting to me, and I want to be able to get to them. More and more books are being released, and I get some review copies so I keep pushing these back. Time to pick these up! I have physical copies of a few of them, and what I don’t have physical copies of I will check Scribd or Kobo store.

Anyway…I will keep you all posted on my little reading adventure!

What Anxiety Is Doing to Me

I can’t breathe.

I can’t think.

I think too much.

I cry.

I scream.

I get angry.

I question everything.

I doubt everything and everyone.

I doubt myself most of all.

I panic and feel tired.

I feel awake and not tired at all.

I feel like I am losing, even though I barely try.

I feel like I am lonely even when I know you love me.

I feel buried and useless.

I get angry.

I scream.

I cry.

I think too much.

I can’t think.

I can’t breathe.

Why does anxiety do this to me?

Magical Readathon: N.E.W.T.s 2019 TBR

If you watch Booktube videos then I am sure you’re no stranger to the Magical Readathons but if you’re asking “WTF is that?!” then let me explain a little.

The Magical Readathon was created by BookRoast on YouTube. You can find her N.E.W.T.s announcement video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rq7vFHcngYs&t=452s

We sat our O.W.L.s back in April, and I was going back and forth about I was going to take part in this readathon because so much is happening in August, but here we are and I am really diving in headfirst into the N.E.W.T.s.

My chosen career path is Mind Medic, so I have a shit ton of stuff I need to read.

I need to sit for Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Muggle Studies, Potions, and Transfiguration. The kicker is to get an O you need to read the prompts for each grade before getting to the O. The grades go A(cceptable) E(xceeds expectations) O(utstanding) O being the top mark.

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I need to get an O in Charms.

A- Read a book that you think has a gorgeous cover. I decided to go with Sorcery of Thorns. I just love the art on the cover.

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E- Read a Comic. For this, I went with Teen Titans: Raven

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O- Read a paperback book. I chose We Hunt the Flame because I have a floppy paperback of this book.

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I need an O in Defense Against the Dark Arts

A- Book that’s black under the dust jacket. I chose Suspicious Minds which I believe is a Stranger Things prequel.

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E- First book you remembered from your TBR. For some reason Fahrenheit 451 popped into my head, so that’s what I will be reading.

Fahrenheit451

O- Book written by an English author or that takes place in England. I chose Strange Ink because while the author now lives in Australia, he was born in England.

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I need an E in Muggle Studies.

A- Cover that includes an actual photo element. I picked Darkfever because I’ve been wanting to reread this book so I can continue the series.

Darkfever

E- Book set in our real world. I picked How Do You Like Me Now?

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I need an E in Potions.

A- Read your friend’s fave book. I will be reading The Raven Boys (finally) thanks to Melinda!!

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E- Book with cover with your Hogwarts house color. I chose The Girl the Sea Gave Back which TitanBooks will so kindly send to me.

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I also need an E in Transfiguration.

A- Read a book with LGBTQA+ representation. I chose to read Wilder Girls. I do believe this has LGBTQA+ rep, but please correct me if I am wrong.

WilderGirls

E- Read a Book that’s not a first in the series. I chose Charmcaster because the Spellslinger series is hilarious and amazing!

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That is 12 books in total!! I am really pushing it here but I think if I focus my energy I can pull it off. Maybe.

Are you taking part in the N.E.W.T.s? What career did you choose and what do you plan to read? Comment to let me know!!